


A Sensible Understanding

by traccigaryn



Series: Understanding [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angry Sex, Angst, Episode: s03e01 Basics Part 2, Episode: s03e12 Macrocosm, Episode: s03e17 Unity, Episode: s03e23 Distant Origin, Episode: s03e25 Worst Case Scenario, Episode: s04e02 The Gift, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Light Angst, On This Starship We Talk About Our Feelings, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23293321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traccigaryn/pseuds/traccigaryn
Summary: Five times Captain Janeway has sex with Chakotay and one time it's Kathryn at his door.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Understanding [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1666012
Comments: 82
Kudos: 139
Collections: Friends with Benefits: a Janeway x Chakotay collection, Janeway/Chakotay Trope fics





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In one scene of [The Captains' Tour](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21659218), Chakotay offers Kathryn a friends-with-benefits deal. While she ultimately doesn't accept there, I wanted to explore what would have happened if she had. Yes, it's an AU of one of my own pieces. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> That being said, other than sharing one scene, the stories stand alone. (The Prologue is taken from The Captains' Tour and sets the stage here.)
> 
> With many thanks to Caladenia for her invaluable [Voyager Episode Timeline](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21640147) so I could calculate the appropriate lengths of denial.

**Prologue**

_January 2373_

He walked into the ready room. Kathryn was standing on the upper level, arms wrapped around herself, staring out the viewport.

He stepped up beside her. "How are you?"

She said, very quietly, "Fuck me, Chakotay."

"... Captain?" 

"You heard me." Her voice was taut, harsh. "Please fuck me. We lost three more crewmembers this week. I just finished recording the messages for their next of kin, which I can't even deliver, and I just … need to feel something besides this overwhelming guilt."

Had he ever felt so conflicted? She was asking him to help her in exactly the way he'd been dreaming about for two years, that he thought not so long ago would happen on New Earth, but her request was a much deeper cry for help he couldn't ignore.

He carefully reached out and turned her toward him, his hands staying wrapped around her upper arms.

He injected every note of compassion he could into his voice. "No, I can't do that for you, Kathryn. You're hurting, and that isn't what you need right now, even if it feels like it. Tomorrow, you'd regret it. Regret us sharing that." 

As he expected, she tried to pull away in irritation, but he tightened his grip. The pressure wasn't enough to be painful, but it brooked no arguments.

"I don't need you judging me, Commander," she ground out stubbornly, eyes on the floor.

He leaned down slightly but she refused to meet his gaze. "I want to be very clear about something, Kathryn. Don't read into my refusal any pity or judgment or lack of interest." Her eyes snapped up to his. "I would serve you in any capacity you wished, including this one, if that's what you wanted, but we can't play with it either. If this is what you want, you need to be very sure, not just avoiding something else. Okay?"

She looked stunned, but she nodded. "How can you be so calm about what I just asked?"

"This may be the first time you've thought about asking, but it's not the first time the possibility crossed my mind. You are my captain and my friend." _And you know how I feel about you_ , he did not add. He did not think she was taking advantage of that, but it was also top of the list of things they didn't talk about. "For tonight, I'll do whatever else you want. A holonovel. 3-D chess. I'll help you reconnect with your spirit guide. You pick." She nodded again, calmer somehow. "If, tomorrow night, you still want to renew your request, we'll talk again. But not until then."

She'd relaxed under his hands as he spoke, but at that last statement, she'd tensed up again, eyes searching his.

"You'd really do that for me?"

"I'd really do that for you." He ran his hands up and down her arms a couple times as a precursor to letting her go, but before he did, he added, "One last thing, Captain. This is an offer without expiration. Whenever you decide that's what you want, I'll be ready. But the waiting period is a requirement. Promise me you'll wait 24 hours before asking. We both need to know for certain we're going into this with our eyes wide open. Deal?"

She still looked a little shell-shocked at the offer, but she said, "Deal."


	2. Chapter 2

_January 2373_

Kathryn surreptitiously glanced across the dinner table at Chakotay and licked her lips. 

It had been three days since she had numbly propositioned him, and three days since he had turned her down. Except he hadn't entirely turned her down, had he? He'd forced her to wait and to think about what she was really asking for, but he'd also made it plain he was willing. 

_Of course he's willing_ , she told herself sharply. _He made that clear enough on New Earth._

She contradicted herself immediately _. That's unfair, and you know it_. _He was honest about his feelings — more honest that you were with him — but he didn't push you. If all he wanted was sex, he would have said yes the other night. Instead he was rational. And a gentleman. Damn him._

Kathryn had spent the last three days like this, bouncing between irritation with herself for allowing weakness to overcome her, gratitude toward Chakotay for having been clear-headed enough to pull her back from the edge of depression, and pulsing resentment that he'd denied her the release she still so desperately craved. _Oh, why couldn't he have just said yes?_

She recrossed her legs and bit back a whimper. 

Chakotay looked up from the crustless asparagus quiche she'd miraculously finagled from her replicator and frowned. "Are you all right, Captain?" 

"Fine, Chakotay. Fine," she responded quickly. _Too quickly_. "It's been a long few days, getting _Voyager_ back in shape after the Kazon takeover." _Better._

He nodded. "The crew is happy to do it, though. Everyone is just glad we had a ship to come home to." 

The conversation back on safe ground, Kathryn allowed herself to study his face. A strong jaw. High cheekbones. Salt-and-pepper hair. That tattoo, perfectly framing his brow. He was an extraordinarily handsome man, a fact she had noted many times. Usually right before reminding herself about Mark. This time, she stopped herself from going down that mental pathway and focused on the man in front of her, not the one 70,000 lightyears away.

He wasn't the first person she'd heard call _Voyager_ home. They had been stuck in the Delta Quadrant for two years now. Everyone had settled into the routine of their journey, the reality that it might really take them decades to reach Earth again. They still had hope, of course, but that hope had become tempered with pragmatism. 

And if she was being pragmatic, why shouldn't she accept Chakotay's offer? She had always drawn strength from physical connections with others, especially her sexual partners. After two years of celibacy and only her fingers for relief, there were times when she thought she'd go out of her mind from the frustration. And worried it was affecting her judgment. 

She shouldn't have asked Chakotay for sex the other night, not in the mental state she was in, but, apparently, that didn't mean she was precluded from asking again. 

Her internal prevarication was becoming exhausting. _Fuck it, I'm going for it._

* * *

Kathryn handed Chakotay his mango bergamot tea and settled in beside him on the couch, cradling her coffee cup. 

Having made up her mind, she saw no reason to delay telling him. Still, the words came out more haltingly than she would have liked. "I've thought about your offer. From the other night. In light of our situation, it's very … sensible. I'd like to accept."

Chakotay, who had just taken his first sip of tea, spluttered into his cup. "Captain?"

Well. That wasn't the enthusiastic response she'd hoped for. "You did call me Kathryn for a while," she brazened it out with a grin.

Chakotay straightened his shoulders and put down his tea. "Yes, I did."

"You didn't actually expect me to accept, did you?" she asked, her smile fading.

"No, not really," he replied in that honest way of his she usually appreciated. Then he grinned back at her. "But I'm not sorry I was wrong." 

She was so relieved, she impulsively gave in to a long-standing temptation and reached out, placing the tip of her index finger in the groove of his dimple. He inhaled sharply, and she quickly drew her hand back into her lap. "We should discuss parameters." 

Now it was his own smile that faded. _Shit. We're both getting whiplash from this conversation._

"I'm sorry, Chakotay — " she began at the same time he said, "Tell me about your parameters, Kathryn." 

"This stays within the confines of our quarters," she said in a rush. "I come to you."

"Fine, but I have a say in what happens once you do."

She liked the sound of that. "Okay."

"What else?"

Her mind drew a blank. After a moment, his smile crept back and he said, "You didn't actually have a plan beyond accepting, did you?"

She gave him a sheepish look. "No, not really." Irritation with herself took hold. She should have had a plan. Their relationship already perched on a knife's point, and how was she going to explain …

Even as she berated herself, she watched him stare at her searchingly. Then he asked, "Would you like me to take charge?"

Of course he'd figured it out. "Yes," she said gratefully.

There was a subtle shift in his demeanor, one she wouldn't have even noticed if she hadn't been watching him so closely when it happened. He reached over and took the coffee cup from her, placing it on the table beside his tea. "I think, rather than laying out a lot of ground rules, we should just see how things go this first time." His voice was more sabled too. "And if we — if you decide it's something you'd like to continue, we can come up with the parameters of an … understanding then. Okay?"

"Okay." 

She started to get up, but he caught her hand and she fell back to her seat on the couch. "Don't you want to go to the bedroom?"

"No, I don't." 

Her belly tightened in anticipation. She was about to have sex with her first officer, a man who was not her fiancé. Even if it never happened more than once, their relationship would be irrevocably changed. She would know what his face looked like, the sounds he made when he found release. She'd no longer have to imagine the body only hinted at under his uniform. 

"You're thinking too much, Kathryn," Chakotay's soft voice cut through her spiraling thoughts. "Just relax and enjoy yourself." She gave him a wry look, and he laughed mildly. "Easier said than done, I know." He shifted to face her more directly, a bent knee coming up onto the cushion and his hand resting along the back of the couch. "What's the first thing you do when you get back to your quarters every night, when you're finally done with work?"

 _I'm never done with work_ , she thought, but that wasn't what he was asking. "I take my hair down." Hunger flashed across his face, but he tamped it down before it had fully taken hold. The rational part of her brain screamed at her to call this off. It wasn't too late to protect herself and to protect Chakotay. 

But it _was_ too late. She'd snatched at what this man had offered, and she wasn't about to let go.

"Scoot closer, back to me," he beckoned. She did as he asked and was rewarded by his large hands deftly plucking pins out of her bun until her hair fell free down her back. He dedicated several minutes to finger-combing out the tangles. Her eyes drifted closed. Her thoughts drifted into quiet. His hands left her hair and skimmed down her arms, around her front. She felt one steal beneath the hem of her jacket and up her belly. "Unzip your jacket," he ordered. Without opening her eyes, she complied, her hand brushing his as the zipper opened down her middle. 

Her jacket was quickly tossed onto the chair, followed by her turtleneck. Kathryn took advantage of his momentary distraction to find the zipper of his own jacket. "She-wolf," he approved, and allowed her to strip him down to his tank top. With the most overt signs of their official positions gone, the last of her anxiety faded away. 

"These are very nice, by the way," she told him as she stroked his newly-bared arms. 

He kissed the top of her right shoulder. "Ditto."

The warmth of his lips sent a jolt straight through her. "Do that again," she begged.

He lifted his head long enough for her to see the gleam in his eye. "Here?" he asked, kissing her right shoulder again. "Or here?" Her left. Then his hands skimmed up her front, pulling her tank top over her head. She gasped as he nimbly unhooked her bra and his mouth captured her right nipple. Her hand came to lie on the back of his head, urging him to continue. "There," she exhaled even as she settled herself more firmly between his knees. Outside, beyond the viewport behind him, the stars whisked by. Inside, the only faint sounds were his wet kisses and her moaning encouragement. 

Kathryn lost track of time. His hands left her breasts, her waist, and slipped into the band of her pants. As he skimmed them down, he urged her backward until she lay upon the cushion. Free, her legs fell open, one foot coming to rest on the floor. The other she lifted onto the back of the couch. The musk of her arousal filled the air, and Chakotay let out a hungry growl. His hot mouth met her core, panties the thinnest of barriers as he licked along her whole length. Then he shifted her reverently, and they too were gone. 

"Please, Chakotay," she whimpered. His mouth settled on her bare folds. He sucked and tasted her until she was writhing underneath him. The late-evening scruff on his cheeks scraped her inner thighs with pleasing abrasiveness. Chakotay's fingers scarcely touched her before she crashed apart. 

When she returned from blissful twilight, she found him sitting up, sprawling back against the couch. One of her legs was across his lap, the other still behind his head. He was lightly skimming his fingertips across her waist. Kathryn levered herself up on her elbows. "Not bad, Commander." He threw back his head and laughed. "Why you're still wearing those clothes, though, is beyond me." 

She pulled herself up and settled on his lap, knees spanning his thighs. The tank top was gone in a flash, then she reached down to unfasten his pants. Chakotay lifted his hips, and she dragged his undershorts and pants down. His cock sprang into view. She grasped him and said, "Oh, you have been hiding many talents." He pushed himself into her hand, her appreciation welcome. 

She'd meant to tease him a little, to rub herself against him until they were both panting, but all she craved now was to feel him inside of her, stretching her. She lifted up, positioning the broad head of his cock at her entrance. He gave a choked sound, and she gazed into his eyes. They were wide and dark with yearning she could hardly fathom. She didn't want to fathom it. But unable to look away, she was still staring into them when she sank down and met his own upward thrust.

An eternity passed when they both seemed frozen in startled fulfillment. Then Kathryn lifted her hips experimentally. Chakotay's hands drove into her hair, and he _moved_. The pace was immediately frantic, their pent up mutual desire speeding them on. 

The rest of their motions may have been hurried, but his hands cascaded down her back over and over in a soft caress. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so cherished. As the thought breached her consciousness, she found herself coming again. His mouth fell open, watching her tremors. His momentum became wild, and then he was spilling inside her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sloppily kissed the top of his head. They panted into each other, chests bumping with each exhale. He made no move to slip out of her as they clung together while their breathing slowed. 

Sleep was summoning her. She longed for Chakotay to pull her into his arms and carry her to bed. Then her sex-satisfied brain caught up with her heart. That wasn't the relationship they had. It wasn't the deal they'd made.

"I can practically feel you having second thoughts already," he said softly. 

"This was magnificent, Chakotay. But — "

Before she could finish, he pulled back and laid a finger over her lips. "It wasn't intended to be something you regret. I offered to help, and I hope I have. There's nothing to second guess." He ran his hands through her hair, again removing all the tangles. Then he tenderly lifted her off his lap and reached for his uniform.

She was quiet as he got dressed. His matter-of-fact end to the evening disconcerted her. It was exactly what she knew must happen in an arrangement like this, and yet she was feeling resentful of it. _Pull yourself together, Kathryn. It's an understanding, not a relationship._

"See you on the bridge tomorrow," he told her. Then, as he reached the door, he glanced back at her, and his dimples appeared. "Let me know if I can help again." 


	3. Chapter 3

_June 2373_

Kathryn had spent the day painting in her ready room, relaxing and sipping coffee. Her tired muscles had been barely taxed at all. And yet. She couldn't help but feel she maybe should have taken the opposite approach to her recovery.

When Chakotay stopped by her office that morning with an offer to join the crew skiing, she'd sunnily declined. The last thing she wanted was a crowd while she pretended her fight with the macrovirus hadn't left her thirsting to drag Chakotay back to her quarters for a different kind of sweaty romp.

She stretched her neck from side to side as she approached the door of her quarters. She only had to hold out for a little bit longer …

From the opposite direction, Chakotay came walking down the corridor toward his quarters. He gave her an easy smile, and she was immediately aware he somehow seemed both loose and alert.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes, Captain?" He joined her in front of her door.

"Looks like you enjoyed yourself on the holodeck today." She mentally rolled her eyes at her brilliant repartee.

"Tom did a great job programming things, as usual. You'll have to join us next time. How was painting?"

"It went well. A lovely day." Then she heard herself say, "But I have to admit. I still haven't worked through all those sore muscles from yesterday. Give me another of those amazing massages of yours?"

His eyes sharpened. He glanced down the corridor, then back at her. "Of course, Kathryn. Let me shower, and then I'll be by?"

"Good. Just let yourself in when you're done."

"I won't be long." He leaned down toward her, his lips firming into a little smile. "I want you ready for me when I get there." She shivered and nodded.

Inside her quarters, Kathryn took a second to stare judgmentally at herself in the mirror. Then she shrugged her shoulders. What's done was done. And this was hardly a terrible outcome of impulsivity. She spent a few minutes freshening up in the bathroom, before gliding naked under her coverlet. She lay on her stomach, hands tucked under the pillow, and waited.

She was good at waiting for him. After that evening on her couch, she'd woken up the next morning well-rested, clear-headed, and broadsided by the intensity of her yearning to be with him. Not just to have sex again, but for it to be with him. She had to actively keep herself from inviting him back to her quarters every day for weeks. It became the new test of her strength to deny herself what she so hauntingly wanted and had now tasted.

As for Chakotay, Kathryn had been astounded by his ability to compartmentalize. She had assumed, somehow, that he would remind her of their arrangement from time to time. Hint he was available. But in the nearly six months since their encounter, he hadn't alluded to it once. His steady tranquility almost made her question herself, that she'd somehow imagined the entire episode in her quarters.

Oh, he had shown affection and concern for her. The worry in his eyes when she'd undergone the tests to save Kes's life. The light touches of his hands when they were trapped in Earth's past; like he'd sensed how hard she was having to work to not come apart at the seams because they were close but not close enough. When Q was swanning around the ship, braying to mate, Chakotay had calmly admitted to a little jealousy and then had let her handle the situation her own way. Under other circumstances, with someone else, she would have taken these as signs he hoped for more from her. But for them, and the close relationship they'd developed even before that evening in her quarters, it honestly just seemed … normal.

He'd picked up on her request fast enough tonight though. He wasn't indifferent by any means, but how he had learned to control his desire to that degree was a mystery to her.

She heard the door swish open. The soft pad of feet into her room.

She peeked over at him. "Too many clothes to be in here."

"I assumed you wouldn't appreciate me walking down the corridor naked."

"Oh, I would have appreciated it. The rest of the crew, maybe not."

"I don't know. I've gotten some lingering glances before. Not as many as you, though, I think."

"Chakotay!" she chastised in embarrassed amusement. Like him, she wasn't unaware of how some members of the crew looked at her from time to time, but wasn't it an unspoken rule of command that you didn't actually acknowledge that sort of thing out loud?

His grin was devilish. She watched admiringly as he quickly stripped down to undershorts, then sat beside her on the bed. She'd only pulled the coverlet up high enough to cover her lower body, and his warm hand traced faintly up her spine.

"Where do you need my hands?" he asked.

Heat surged through her at his blatantly sensual turn of phrase. "My neck. My shoulders," she managed to reply.

His palm ran back down her back. "Nowhere else? Not your legs ... this beautiful ass?" Fingertips dipped beneath the coverlet, hinting at further exploration. "Deeper?"

She moaned into the pillow. "Yes, everywhere."

The mattress shifted, and Chakotay settled himself above her, straddling her lower back. He kept most of his weight on his knees, but she was suddenly very aware of his size in comparison with hers, the power that rested above her. Her body responded, dampness pooling at her core.

Large, gentle hands came to rest on her neck. His thumbs moved in circles at the base of her skull. Tension she hadn't even realized was there began to dissipate. As his hands progressed to her shoulders, down along her arms, across her back, Kathryn's senses constricted until all she was aware of was the play of his hands on her and the fever building at her center.

She pressed her hips into the mattress trying to ease the ache inside. Her fingers twitched under the pillow.

Chakotay lifted himself away from her body, and she gave an involuntary cry of loss.

"It's okay," he soothed. "I had an idea. I'll be back in a minute."

She heard him enter the bathroom then the sound of running water, and the scent of her bubble bath filled the air.

Her hand skated out from beneath her head, down the mattress. Her fingers had just grazed herself when he returned.

"Ah ah, Kathryn. You don't come until I say you can." He was beside her again, now as nude as she. With a light tug on her wrist, he repositioned her hand beside her head. She tucked it back under the pillow in defeat. "That's the rule for tonight, you know," he continued conversationally. "I control your pleasure. I control your release."

If she thought his silent touch was seductive, his low voice was devastating.

Chakotay moved to the lower edge of the mattress. He tugged the coverlet away in one quick motion, and it fluttered to the floor behind him. "There are those beautiful legs," he purred. His hands gripped her ankles and eased her legs apart. He crawled back onto the bed, now positioned to reach her lower body. "I have seen glimpses of them, but I've never had a chance to truly admire them before. They're lithe. Graceful." His hands ran along their length as he talked. "Perfect for wrapping around my waist, I'd bet." She trembled. "Do you want that too, Kathryn? To wrap them around me and hold on tight while we drive into each other?"

"Yes," she groaned and tried to turn over, to put his words into action. She was taut and achy, greedy for ecstacy at his hands.

He gripped her hips and held her in place. "Oh no. We're not done. I haven't even begun to admire this beautiful vision." His palms glided from her hips to her ass. "You do love to bend over railings and chairs on the bridge, don't you? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were tempting me to take you right there in front of everyone."

Kathryn gasped. She didn't do that, did she? But as her mind ran back along her shifts on the bridge, she had to admit he was right. She hadn't even realized it was happening. And his chair was right behind where she normally stood. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks.

She heard a delighted chuckle. "You get red on these cheeks too when you're embarrassed, Kathryn." His hands traced her there, then slid down between her cleft, his thumbs revealing her swollen labia. "You're so slick, so ready to come," he crooned. She nodded helplessly. "Not yet," he told her.

His fingers began to lightly trace through her wetness. She pushed back against his hand, but he kept his touch feather soft. She gave herself over to the sensation, the hypnotic quality of his voice. By the time he gripped her hips and pulled her up onto her knees, she existed only in the realm of him. He pushed inside her slowly, inch by inch, pulled nearly all the way out, then began again. She was panting, begging, long before his hips slotted against hers. Her knees gave way. Before she could sink down onto the mattress, Chakotay had pulled them backwards so they rested together on their heels. Her back against his chest. His cock drove into her at this new angle, and it was relentless after the languorous beginning. His hand was busy upon her clit, but he rasped, "Almost. Not yet," repeatedly in her ear. Just when she thought she couldn't wait any longer, she heard "Now, Kathryn," and she broke wantonly. Chakotay followed her an instant later, and he collapsed on top of her, driving them both down onto the bed. She was boneless and replete beneath him.

Kathryn felt herself being picked up, cradled in Chakotay's arms. He set her down again, feet in the steaming bath water. She heard his low chuckle when he had to guide her to sit. He crouched on the floor beside the tub.

"You aren't going to join me?" she asked dreamily.

"No, Kathryn."

"Why not?"

He didn't speak for a long minute. When he did, it was with an inscrutable smile. "Call it a personal parameter."

Her forehead wrinkled, but his hand threaded through her hair. His thumb smoothed along her brow. "Don't stay in the bath too long, okay? I'll com you in a little while to make sure you make it back to bed all right. Kathryn, are you listening to me?"

She nodded. Her body was now fully attuned to his voice.

He stood and was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

_August 2373_

She'd asked Chakotay to join her in her ready room after the Doctor released him so they could talk. She could tell he'd been shaken by his experience with the New Cooperative. For all his honesty, he had always kept his own feelings about personal matters locked tightly away. That he had opened himself up to trust the former Borg only to be used by them must be eating away at him.

More than that, she was acutely aware of how betrayed he must feel by Riley Frazier's actions in particular. Kathryn had watched them together on the ship, and she'd struggled to not reveal the jealousy she experienced watching Chakotay smile at the woman, call her Riley.

After everything that had happened between them the past number of months. Being stranded planetside together, not once but twice. The start of this "understanding" of theirs. Then the shuttle accident last month. She had nearly died. She'd watched him, his desperation and anguish as he fought to save her life. And yet, all they had done after was take a sailing trip on the holodeck. She'd turned to him, momentarily relaxing her hand on the tiller. He'd met her gaze, seen the maelstrom of emotion there. Laid his hand over hers, and said "Not tonight, Kathryn. Tonight, I'm just celebrating that you're here with me."

She gave a bitter laugh. Began pacing the room. She'd placed no claim on him, but hadn't he claimed her anyway? First on New Earth and then after the shuttle accident? Shouldn't that have meant something to him? Wasn't he hers, for fuck's sake?

Oh, she knew how betrayal felt.

Her door chimed. "Enter," she bit out.

Chakotay trudged into the room, and the door swished shut. Kathryn closed the few feet between them, taking advantage of surprise to push his large body angrily against the bulkhead. She kept her left hand wedged against his chest, her right snaking down to undo his trousers.

His forlorn expression flickered first to confusion then furious vexation. His hands gripped her biceps and he turned them, roughly shoving her back against the wall where he'd just been pinned.

"What happened to keeping this in our quarters?" he murmured in a dangerously polite tone, his hand pinching her nipple sharply through her uniform.

"Oh, fuck that," she said, pushing into his palm. "You're the one who offered to make this a thing. To _serve me_ like this."

"That's me, here to serve." His voice was tight with bitterness. "I got to serve the Borg today too, didn't I?"

Her gaze flew to his. She hadn't meant … did he think — 

His dark eyes drilled into her. "Oh, I may be pissed as hell, but believe me, Kathryn, this is totally different. And I want it just as much as you do."

She tried to unzip her pants, but in her haste, the teeth of the zipper got caught, stuck.

"Too slow, too slow," he growled, pushing her hands away. He gripped the waistband of her pants in his powerful hands and ripped straight down, cleaving them in half. Her panties were next. The thin cotton drifted to the floor, unheeded. She tried to slide her loosened pant legs further down, but he swept her hands away again, tugging the left pant leg over her boot and off.

He straightened. She was lifted up against the wall, her left leg across his forearm, the toes of her right foot barely touching the ground. He held her in place with his weight, his center pressed against hers. His right hand freed himself from his pants then fisted in her hair, pulling her head back so her neck was bared to his questing lips.

"Yesss," she hissed. "Fuck me, Chakotay."

He slammed into her with one hard thrust. "Do you have any idea how fucking selfish you're being right now, Kathryn? This was my shitty day, and now it's somehow become about you. But you know what? I can be selfish too." His hips continued to snap into hers, her cunt stretching to accommodate his cock. "Do you think that I don't feel? That waiting for you to decide you're ready again is easy for me? I would do this for you every morning, every night, if you'd just ask." The frenzied litany continued, their bodies caught up together in wildness.

Kathryn was so close, so close. As she detected the first hint, Chakotay abruptly pulled out of her, leaving her inner muscles clenching at nothing. He fisted his cock rapidly and came with a roar, spurting across her skin and jacket. She tamped down the visceral pleasure at his crude actions. He may have found completion, but he'd denied the same to her.

"Oh no, you don't," she cried out and snatched his hand away from his cock, dragging it to her weeping pussy. She shoved his fingers inside her. His thumb covered her own as they roughly teased her clitoris together.

It only took a few strokes before Kathryn fell back over the edge again. She used her free hand to yank the collar of Chakotay's shirt aside, felt the seams pop. She sank her teeth into the honeyed skin at his neck, just where it began to curve into shoulder. Another finger slid forcefully into her slick heat, and she came hard. Her noisy cries were muffled by a hand clamped rapidly across her mouth.

Her body skimmed back down the wall, and he stepped back, his fingers slipping out of her, away from her mouth. "For the record, Kathryn, I didn't have sex with Riley. We shared our minds, not our bodies."

"For the record, Chakotay, that doesn't make me feel any better," she snapped. Too late, she realized what her curt reply revealed. He'd already taken the step back toward her, his mouth opening to respond. Those damn eyes softening. "Dismissed, Commander."

He flinched, and she watched his gaze dart from her nakedness to the ready room door, assessing lines of sight. She didn't give a shit. "Get the fuck out of my office, Chakotay," she snarled.

He gave a curt nod and quickly walked away, tugging his shirt collar back in place, wiping his fingers on his trousers.

As soon as the door whisked closed again, she whirled and slammed her fist into the bulkhead.


	5. Chapter 5

_November 2373_

Kathryn hit the chime at Chakotay's door nervously. He had returned from the Voth ship several hours before, given her a verbal report of his experience, and requested permission to delay his check-in with the Doctor until the next day. He'd never tried to break protocol like that before, and in her surprise and jubilation at having him back, she'd agreed without thought. But the more she did think about it the more concerned she became, so when her shift ended she walked straight to his quarters.

"Captain. What can I do for you?" Chakotay stood at his door looking down at her. He was out of uniform, and he looked tired.

"May I come in, Chakotay?"

His eyebrows rose, but he stepped back and allowed her to enter. She tilted her head toward his living room in silent query. He nodded and led the way, taking a seat. Rather than sitting across from him, she maneuvered herself to stand directly in front of him. She bumped her knees against his so he was forced to open them and give her space to glide between his legs.

"Captain?" He sounded curious, but by no means irritated by her unusual display.

She gave a helpless little shrug of her shoulders. "I was worried about you, and I came to see how you were doing. I could tell you were taking what happened to Professor Gegen to heart. Would you like to talk about it?"

His lips turned up into a gentle half smile. "Thank you, Kathryn. I'll be okay."

She'd thought he'd probably say that. The question was how he'd respond next, and why she was really here. "Would you like to … not think about it for a little while?"

He froze. Finally he said, "You don't have to do that for me."

"No, but I'd like to." Before he could respond, she hurried on. "I didn't handle things well the last time you were hurting. Instead of thinking of you, I made it about me, and that was unfair. I've regretted it ever since, but I haven't been able to find a way to tell you that."

He shook his head, scooted back slightly in his chair, away from her. "You don't owe me anything, Kathryn."

_Shit._ "I'm still messing this up. I know we don't owe each other anything. But I want us to be able to move past that moment. With a new one. I … you have lived your life for other people for so long. Including for me and for …" She gestured between them. "this. Let me be the one to take care of you for once." She held her breath, waiting to see if he understood what she was trying to say.

He glided forward in his chair again, face tilted up to look into her eyes. Whatever he saw there must have been what he sought because he nodded. "Okay." Relief poured through her. _Okay._

He moved to rise, but she placed her hands on his shoulders and he sat back. With him seated, she had the height advantage for once. Balancing her weight on his shoulders, she leaned down and kissed his brow, just above his tattoo. Then she kissed his cheek. The side of his mouth. He held himself absolutely still.

"Chakotay," she exhaled and touched her lips to his for the first time. His arm came around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She parted her lips, slanting them over his. Their mouths and tongues melded together, mapping each other. Kathryn placed her knees on the chair, levering herself more fully into him. Her arms curled around his head, fingers clutching his hair. She nipped and bit at his lips, tiny tastes of this new intimacy.

She finally tore away to catch her breath. Chakotay's mouth chased hers, dropping small kisses before trailing down her chin. He sucked at the hollow of her throat, and she knew she'd have to keep her turtleneck well up tomorrow.

When their lips were swollen and red and starting to sting, Kathryn eased back to look at him. She had caught a glimpse of the expression on his face just once before, when they were on New Earth and she'd proudly shown him her first Talaxian tomato seedlings. It was a look of contentment. It pleased her to see that look reappear, at helping to make it appear.

She climbed to her feet and tugged on his hand to bring him up beside her. She led him to his bedroom with a smile. They took turns removing each others' clothes, a process made far longer and giggly than necessary as they attempted it while fused at the mouth.

She pushed him down on the bed. Having now started, she couldn't keep her mouth off him. She spent eons worshipping his chest before drifting lower. As she took his cock in her hand, Chakotay reached out to stop her. "Kathryn, no. You don't have to do that."

"I want to. I want you like this." She gave him her best captain's glare, and he laughed his agreement. He stopped laughing as her mouth enveloped him, his head jerking back. She took that as a sign to continue. She held him with her small hand, unable to close all the way around his girth. She pumped slightly as she licked the underside of his cock and swirled her tongue around his tip. Her head bobbed as she lavished him with attention. She relaxed her throat to go deeper, but found herself being hauled up along his body.

"Next time," he said, and his voice was gravelly with desire. "I have to be inside you now." He rolled them over until he lay on top, his weight balanced on his upper arms. "Wrap those legs around me, Kathryn. Just like we talked about." She eagerly complied. He plunged inside her, stretching her as always.

This time they were tender with each other, their moans mingling, hands entwined. When it was over, they lay together on his bed. He traced his nose along her cheek, then rested his chin on her head.

"Thank you, Kathryn. I needed that." He still looked tired, but it was born now of their shared exploration, not his shadowy thoughts.

"Me too," she agreed. "Chakotay?"

"Hmm?"

She had to say this too. "I regret how the sex came about last time. I don't regret its … energy."

He brought his face level with hers. A kiss of empathy. A kiss of agreement. "Same for me. Sorry about your uniform, by the way."

She chuckled into his shoulder. "That was impressive." His look in response was pure masculine pride. Since it seemed they were having a moment, she dared to voice her persistent wish. "Let me stay with you until you fall asleep?"

"I don't think …"

"Just until you're asleep," she promised. "I miss being held."

His expression shifted from caution to understanding. "Oh. Of course," he acquiesced, settling his head back among the pillows. His chin ran another pass back and forth across the top of her head, and he tightened the cradle of his arms. Kathryn nestled into him with a happy sigh.

When he had fallen asleep, she allowed herself to lay in his embrace just a few more minutes, his slow breathing minutely tussling her hair. She understood his insistence on guarding this line. She agreed with it in the abstract. But damn if it didn't sting every time anyway.

When she began to drift off, she carefully, reluctantly extricated herself. "See you next time," she whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

_December 2373_

Kathryn hurried from her quarters to the holodeck. Tom would begin updating Tuvok's program at any time, and she had decided to run through Insurrection Alpha herself before the crew could continue the story.

When Chakotay first told her about the new program, she had been amused and pleased the crew was finding so much enjoyment in it. It was a testament to all she and Chakotay had accomplished together that a Maquis mutiny story had become something for everyone to joke about. Now that they knew it had originally been designed as a security training simulation, well. She had an overwhelming desire to see Captain Chakotay in action. And back in those leather pants he'd worn back then.

When the program started, she found herself in a corridor. Suddenly Chakotay appeared at her side, taking a firm grip on her elbow. They bantered their way through some small talk, and she had to bite back a grin at the overt insults he dropped about Tuvok and her ( _Oh, Tuvok._ ), but she was caught the most by his smiles. Her Chakotay didn't smile nearly that openly on duty. As the program progressed, she found herself only walking through the action, focusing all her attention on this version of him.

He was almost — but not quite — the Chakotay who had been by her side the past three years. All of his strongest attributes were ever-so-slightly more apparent. He was commanding and subtly charming. Astute in reading situations and yet still fair. Those first few days in the Delta Quadrant had gone by so quickly, she'd hardly had a chance to get a read on him as the captain of his own crew. She had known that he'd had to alter himself somewhat when he'd taken the step down to serve as her first officer, but this was the first time those changes were truly apparent to her. Tuvok had spent weeks undercover as part of Chakotay's crew, and he was an astute observer. Was this holoversion of Chakotay the man Tuvok had served with? Is this what he'd be like with her, if he wasn't always just a little bit conscious that she was his captain?

"Enjoying yourself, Kathryn?"

Kathryn jumped at the sound of Chakotay's voice. She started to stammer out an excuse for woolgathering when it registered she was looking at her Chakotay, not the holoversion she'd been scrutinizing.

She swatted at his arm. "Don't startle me like that. It's rude to just enter someone's holoprogram."

He smirked at her. "I comed you twice, and you didn't respond. Are we still on for dinner tonight?"

She hid her face briefly in her hand. "I can't believe I didn't hear you. Tuvok did an excellent job with this program."

"Just wait until Tom gets his hands on it. There will probably be a party in the brig."

Kathryn laughed and leaned into him. They both drew in their breath at the same time, eyes locked. It had been a few weeks since she'd visited his quarters, and it seemed like tonight might just be —

"What are you doing away from your post, crewman?"

They turned in unison to see the holoversion of Chakotay standing in the doorway, hands on his hips.

She'd been so distracted by the real Chakotay's arrival, she'd forgotten to pause the program.

She laid a hand on her Chakotay's arm. "He's a friend. He's on our side too."

Chakotay glanced at her, then back at his doppleganger, clearly wondering why she was playing along instead of just freezing the program. For that matter, why was she?

"There something I can do for you two?"

Kathryn peered back in amazement. She recognized that silky tone. Captain Chakotay was speaking to them in the same way Chakotay spoke to her when he whispered in her ear, when he was between her legs.

Heat instantly pooled at her center.

"You wanna make something of this, big guy? Because I can tell she's sure into that idea."

Kathryn groaned at the same time Chakotay gave an embarrassed cough, mumbling, "I'm not sure how I feel about Tuvok having programmed a version of me that would go in for this." 

"Was he wrong?" she whispered back.

He unleashed the dimples. "Nope."

And with that, her decision was made.

She met Captain Chakotay's eyes. In response, he shucked his pants, tossing them away, and revealed a manhood nearly as impressive as Chakotay's own. Beside her, Chakotay made a gratified little noise. _Men._

"Glad you're both enjoying yourselves. We done with recon?"

"Yeah, we're done," Chakotay said, addressing his counterpart directly for the first time. "If you want to join us, that's fine, but it's the lady's call what happens here."

Captain Chakotay took a step closer to her. "Okay. So, what'll it be?"

"Well, I've got too many clothes on, for a start," she said. And just like that, two men squeezed up against her, a Chakotay at either side, plucking and pulling her clothes off until she stood in her regulation undergarments.

Captain Chakotay's hands wrapped around her, teasing her nipples through the thin fabric. His large hands kneaded her breasts. She leaned herself back against him, his breath warm on her neck where he was licking his way up to her ear. At her front, Chakotay traced back and forth along the top of her panties with his finger. Then his hand left her, only to be back an instant later, palming her through the cotton. He found the damp spot there and thumbed it up into her. A cry escaped her, and she heard the same chuckle surround her.

The synchronization between the two men was astonishing to experience. A hard cock crushed into her from behind, and Chakotay dropped to his knees in front of her. His hands settled on her hips. His mouth tasted her belly. Ever so slowly, it drifted lower until together, hands and mouth, he drew her panties down her legs to her knees. Chakotay helped her widen her stance. He parted her, fingers stroking through her curls. Behind her, Captain Chakotay reached down, placed her hand on the shoulder in front of her for balance, and then slipped her panties the rest of the way off, lifting one leg at a time.

Chakotay's mouth on her cunt and his twin's hands caressing her back and her breasts soon brought her to the brink of bliss. She came loudly, pressing frantically against his mouth with each tremor.

"Beautiful," one said.

"Magnificent," the other added.

Kathryn sank to her knees and met Chakotay's eyes. "My turn," she told him and jerked her chin up, indicating he should stand.

He rose in front of her, and she quickly undid his uniform pants, tugged them down. As her hand closed around his cock, she glanced over her shoulder at Captain Chakotay, her hips lifting in invitation. His hands ran along her ass, a caress but also a claim. He pressed his cock along her cleft, rubbing up and down as she mimicked his motions on the cock in front of her. Captain Chakotay eased the tip inside her. Her mouth enclosed the tip between her lips. Her hands teased his balls, and gripped the base of his cock as she took him further into her mouth. The hands on her hips tightened and she was suddenly full, so full, mouth and cunt. She rocked her hips back in rhythm with the Captain's motions. Chakotay's hands fell to her head, gripping her hair tightly and holding her in place as he fucked her mouth.

He — they — came at almost the same time, filling her with their seed. Kathryn milked him, she swallowed him down. She felt divine.

His cocks slid from her, and she gasped, "Computer, end program."

Chakotay fell back to his knees in front of her and gathered her in his arms. He seemed to be repeating the same words, the same phrases over and over. She couldn't really understand what he was saying, but it didn't matter. She burrowed her forehead into his chest and said, "Wanna go back to my quarters for dessert?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of Thoughts about what Tuvok may or may not have intended with his programming here, so if you need me to expound on that in any way, I'd be happy to do so in the comments.


	7. Chapter 7

_January 2374_

Kathryn was curled up on her couch, hands wrapped tightly around her knees. The stars streaked by, the ship infinitesimally closer to home with each passing second.

Kes was gone. Transformed in a second to light and memories. She had come to them, young and full of wonderment, and had left them because the ship could no longer contain her potential.

Kathryn had lost people before this. Her father. Justin. Members of _Voyager_ 's crew who had entrusted her with their lives. But this was new and bittersweet, made all the more so by Kes's parting gift.

It did not seem a time for mourning. Instead, Kathryn wanted — actually, she wasn't sure what she wanted. Her instinct was to go to Chakotay, but she didn't want sex. She simply wanted to be with him, to be held by him, and know he was with her.

_Oh fuck._

When had this happened?

"I can't imagine a day without you." She'd told him that during their disastrous encounter with Species 8472 and the Borg. But apparently even she hadn't understood how deep that sentiment ran.

When they embarked on this arrangement, she'd had little thought for it beyond a sensible way to scratch an itch and find a little passing solace. But as time went on, they had shared and revealed far more to each other than she'd ever expected. Their work and their private activities had blended together until they simply became one cohesive whole, as imperfect and as indefatigable as themselves. Once upon a time, that idea would have terrified her. But now that she was in the middle of it, she found all it did was give her comfort.

Kathryn had to talk to Chakotay, to see if maybe he had come to feel the same. But as she stood, the memory of him during their very first encounter, here on this couch, flooded back to her. The fathoms of want in his eyes, quickly disguised. She had to be honest with herself. She'd known all along how profoundly he cared, not just for her as his captain, but for her as a woman. He'd _told_ her on New Earth. And she'd kept pretending the flashes she saw — that she felt — were born of the moment, not unveilings of carefully-guarded truth.

But she wasn't the only one who had dissembled. Chakotay had foreseen this alliance of theirs might someday give her a new understanding of their relationship, and he had tried to prevent it.

She was at his door almost before she realized she'd moved.

He answered the chime immediately, and she instinctively knew it was because he'd waited up, held vigil, in case she came by to talk about Kes.

She pushed him back into the room, and poked an indignant finger into his chest. "It took me a long time to realize this, but it finally clicked. Every time we've been together, the only parameters have been yours. Not mine. You've been the one to stop, to say no, to leave even when I didn't ask you to. Why?"

He gaped at her, and she knew he was frantically having to connect the events of the day with her words. Disbelief clouded his face. "Why? You entrusted me with this. With your private care. I needed to honor that." It was a reasonable explanation, but only a partial truth. She simply stared at him, waiting. After a brief standoff, he broke eye contact. "You're really going to make me say it, aren't you?"

"Yes. It's important, Chakotay. Why?"

"Because I still love you, Kathryn. I never stopped," he burst out in exasperation. "And because I knew I could help you, but I couldn't do it unconditionally. I kept waiting for you to throw up barriers, but you didn't. You just kept trusting me, so I had to do it for you. To protect you."

"To protect both of us."

He paused, tugged on his ear. "Yes, that's fair." He shifted uneasily. "I'm sorry I messed things up. We can call this off, go back to how we were before."

The man's fealty could be infuriating at times.

She stalked toward him again, forcing him back until his knees hit the edge of his chair and he fell into his seat. "You misunderstand me, Chakotay." She climbed onto his lap. "All you did by keeping your distance was help me discover I wanted you closer." She ran a finger softly along his tattoo, tracing the arc. "What I have learned in all of this is that I have never trusted anyone more than I trust you. With our ship, my life. And with my heart."

He went utterly still. Then his fingers drifted up to play with the ends of her hair. "Do you really mean that, Kathryn?" His attention seemed to be riveted on that connection between them, but she knew his tells now.

"I do. I really do." She brought her hand to his chest, just above his heart, and detected the rapid beating there. "This all started because I lost people, and you offered to help me find myself again. I've been so focused on getting us home, but now Kes is gone too and we're miraculously 10,000 lightyears closer, and I've realized I can't just live for that moment anymore. I have to live for now too. And I'd like that to be with you if you'll let me."

Kathryn found herself crushed into his arms, his hot mouth on hers. She was enveloped in unfettered joy, and it took her breath away.

When they finally broke apart, she was shivering with pleasure. "I'll take that as a yes?"

His chin went down and that wide grin she adored spread across his face. "Yes, that's a yes."

Her palm caressed his cheek. "I'm staying the night, Chakotay."

"Damn right you are."

"I don't have a nightgown, though."

"That's really not going to be a problem."


End file.
